Battleangel

Ever waning, ever waxing, and always addictive. Such is the influence of the social world.

I cannot and should not obscure the fact that I am a reclusive person by anyone’s standards. It is who I am. Renouncing that would be like renouncing myself. And much like anything else in life, there are ups and downs with being that person. I think it is all pretty obvious and doesn’t require any further elaboration.

Anyway, the rant of the day is concerned with the diffusion of more or less static roles.
In order to maintain the intrinsic balance, social-sensory deprivation and privacy must preserved. Dissonance must be kept at bay at all costs. Always allied with fear and discipline. Never letting down the guard and allowing for impurities to breach the ramparts of the self.
Well, guess what, isolation is not easy to accomplish in the 21st century. And certainly not if you want to be selectively part of society, on your own terms of course. Taking the good bits and discarding the rest.

It’s a real bitch when reality comes knocking on your door. And you would have to be blind not too see it. I do not have that kind of self control … yet anyway. The problem is that people like to extend their small-minded views over others. It’s all one big group membership, society that is, greater than all else, and something that you can neither enter nor exit by your own effort. And since I am at a disadvantage amongst countless millions, it’s an uphill battle. I have to thread gently just so that it is not I that am swayed completely by peer pressure. How does one balance the scales against the legion of men?

I am not (nor is anyone I imagine) fond of having my weaknesses bared to myself and certainly not to the world. It is such a primordial fear, that I would almost characterize it as a neurosis. But that is not all.
The few times I do purposely socialize with others, leave me with a bitter aftertaste as well. Even if I endure and can admit that the encounter went reasonably well. The subconscious mind is a beast often untamed. And social encounters, especially those that go well on someone else’s account, leave you wanting more. They show you an alternate way. Something that could be. But also cannot. They produce a vicious paradox of sorts, one that is infinitely more destructive than either extreme. Isolation or fraternizing. Being torn between two things is no good. Why tempt yourself when you know the pain that follows. Coupled with a temporal axis, the lucid daydreaming you can experience is dazing. There comes a point in life when you have accumulated enough of the past and present to be able to foresee the future with a higher than chance probability. I’d say that is truly the end of innocense. And the beginning of life. If you let it.
As the full extent of the modern society dawns on you, it will cauterize what little is left of your sanity. In retrospect, it would have been safer not to dwell on matters better left to oblivion.

The board is set though. All the pieces are already in place. As year after year is added to my age, I grow less and less dependant on the outside world. At least mentally. Ironically however, it seems that the physical being is ever so bound by the presence of others. Thankfully, the inner space is taking precedence, as the long and dark years of adolescence are finally at an end. If that is a good thing or not I cannot tell. Only time will reveal the success of my “choice”.

Is this the third time I go over this subject now? I have lost count.