Battleangel

[unhinged rant] For as long as I can remember I’ve been plagued by fits of aggressive tendencies. It is nothing I am particularly proud of and thankfully something that has become less common over the years.
At first I hoped it was simply a matter of maturity and that it would all stabilize with age. For a while it seemed like a safe assumption. However, as I mature I am also able to distance myself from those things in life that foster my hate and aggression. So, I have come to believe, there is no positive correlation between mental age and aggression (in my case). It’s just a question of zigzagging the obstacles and thinking it will go away. And maybe it will. I’m not exactly at the end if line yet. All I’m saying is that I hoped to gain greater control over my emotions than I have up to this point. Even if controlling one will mean crippling the others. Scarce but clear regressions remind me of what I’d rather not be. Or what do I want?

I am at the same time curious as to why all of this came to be. Is it something hereditary, either by genetic or social traits? Or is it a reaction to the clearly unsuitable environment outside of the family that I was exposed to while growing up? First devoid of interaction with peers and then with those that did not respect my integrity. I assume it is a question of trying to get back at an unfair world every way that you can. Things past that are knocking on your door, crying out for blind retribution. That perhaps is the biggest problem. Like so many others I tend to bottle up anger only to release it at a later time. At someone who no doubt deserves it to a degree but never to the full extent. I mean, either you act on it there and then or never bother with it again. At least I have gotten better in this aspect. If it really is better.
Hours and yet hours in the woods, alone, with metal pumping thru my head. Like so many others seeking out exactly what I should avoid. Like flies to honey. Nurturing the qualities that you should shun. Ironic but predictable.
Shivering, cold and sweating, after the adrenaline rush has worn off. Like a aggression junky. The disgrace and panic overloading your brain, crippling all attempts at rational thought. That is surely the worst part. Because losing control and all reason is a defeat of the senses. Having the opportunity to redeem, but using that short time to protect the self. And to hurt once more. Knowing what is right but not setting it right. That is the worst crime of all.

“Luckily” I am still bound by a differentiation of roles. Private, public and foremost the roles of being alone and with others. I wonder what it would take to break those limitations and roam free. And what the result would be. Having a bad feeling about it, I still can’t help wonder. I am not one to believe in fatalism .. but given who I am and what I cannot undo, maybe that is my “destiny” after all.

There is one speculation that keeps recurring above others. The feeling that I am out of time and out of place. Both presently and from a historical standpoint. Haven’t we all felt that at one time or another?
Where would I have been 100 years ago, 200 years ago or half a millennia ago? What purpose would I have served then and how does it relate to the present. The logical assumption is that I would have sailed the seven seas, looking for a smidgen of excitement but also as a way to get away from it all, constantly being on the move and having no ties to anyone. You know what they say: “He who knows the past commands the future”. Just find the repeating patterns and what is tried and true. Change and conservation; past, present and future in one perfect blend.

As Mel Gibson’s latest movie is just about to premiere worldwide I thought I would share some opinions on this project.
First off, I’d like to say that this is a movie that I will see, even if I’ll probably leech it instead of actually go and pay for it. Second of all I am still and will always be an atheist. Even if I do realize that it would be more balanced to stick with agnosticism, i.e. more “scientific”. But I’ve already had that discussion and I’m tired of it. Sometimes you just have to take a stance.

Basically I think it’s a bit paradoxical that Mel Gibson is himself a Christian. And one that takes his beliefs very seriously it seems. For example, as I recall reading in a recent interview, he is still of the opinion that any nonbelievers are destined for eternal damnation in the fires of hell. Cute.
And even if I cannot prove anything, it seems he has become even more zealous over the course of this movie. It seems to have made him accentuate his faith and become more devout in the process.
Yet, he is exploiting those same beliefs in making a movie about the mythical events that led to the creation of the religion he adheres to. Events that he really knows nothing about. And even if he was the world’s greatest theologist he couldn’t attempt to tell anything but the official version since he is after all biased.
Then again I guess most people in the movies business take on projects that interest them. So in that aspect Mel Gibson isn’t special. It’s just that religion is a tad more complex and smothering than say an actor like Arnold Schwarzenegger that keeps doing action movies. I’d say that the former represents more of a deep personal conviction. One that could be considered to influence daily life and work.

Once more, we can ask ourselves what we can learn from history and how we interpret events long past and shrouded in the veils of time. What do we really know about the origins of this religion?
Every few centuries the bible is reinterpreted and traditions are changed. And if change can happen even in the midst of religious dogma who knows what the founders really did intend for. It’s almost like detonating a nuclear bomb and then try to go back and put all the molecules in place exactly as they once were.

So what the hell. I love historical fiction. You just have to realize the limitations and the fairytale proportions and take it for what it is. A brutal depiction of human life. Not so unlike the present day. That could also be the moral of the story. And possibly the only beneficial thing to come out of religion in general. I.e. fables. But going beyond that is like making a religion out of the instruction manual for the VCR. “Thou shalt not place wet objects on top of the assembly”.

Via Warp2Search: K-lite Codec Pack 2.24 FULL Final, K-Lite Mega Codec Pack 1.00 FULL Final

The K-Lite Mega Codec Pack is something fairly new to me. Apparently it’s nothing more than the K-Lite Codec Pack Full, QuickTime Alternative, Real Alternative, Bink and Smacker playback support and Monkey’s Audio DirectShow decoder.

One of the most noticeable changes is that BSplayer is finally going out the window in favor of Media Player Classic. The Mega Pack still contains both however.
There is no doubt that K-lite is the best and most dedicated codec pack available today. It’s reliable and it covers pretty much every codec ever created.

Windows FD: A semi-preconfigured version of Windows XP Pro Corp that has taken the BitTorrent community by storm. And unlike some other lame ass attempts I found it to be quite useful and as such it now replaces the old SP1 slipstream that I’ve been using for ages.

What you get:

- Windows XP Pro corporate with SP1.
- Microsoft Office Professional 2003.
- WinRAR 3.3 .
- All hotfixes up until 25/12/03.
- Certain reg fixes, a new visual theme and wallpaper.

- Key is stored on disc, making the install fully unattended.
- Booted even on a system that threw up on the old Corp disc.

It’s ironic really because as illegal as this is (even if you have a valid license), it creates the most reliable, easy to set up and smooth version of XP yet. Even if you’re a poweruser there is no denying there is time to save here. Especially if you do many fresh installs every year. Because of Windows being closed source, it does tend to get a little “stale” between updates. I figure Microsoft better start shipping something like this themselves soon. Thank god for these initiatives. Also available as a hilarious “Deluxe” version. But in that case I’d suggest adding your own tools as those included in that pack were rather dull. Who needs the entire Adobe Creative Suit for instance?

Btw. Used the FD install for the revived HTPC. Strangely enough everything worked. Network file sharing. Radmin. Internet thru the bridge and router. The works. I must check what kind of settings were activated because quite frankly I’m baffled.
On a side note, the HTPC has been offline for over 6 months. All batteries were dead of course. Crap. And the new case showed a fatal flaw in that the PSU inadvertently blows air onto the CPU. I might have to get Dremel-happy here. I really wish I had the proper tools to cut and drill metal … but more on that later …